| Kids In The Back Seat Cause Accidents, Accidents In The Back Seat Cause Kids. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2005|07:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hit the road jack | ] |
It is almost the end of the year...I have only one exam to take and then that's it. I thought I would be getting a summer off ,but nope, of course not... I will be starting college in the summer and will be working at pet smart which will be very interesting. I think i am like one of the only few that don't want to graduate, i mean it feels weird for the rest of your "normal" school to be over with. You have to change your whole routine and pretty much your life after high school. i guess its good in a lot of ways but i feel like im leaving so much stuff behind. This is really random but if anyone knows a piano teacher who gives lessons please let me know. And my birthday is finally coming up(May 18)...i can't wait to finally turn twenty.
You have to read this joke...
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard." |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|08:51 pm] |
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| |  jealous | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | contender theme song | ] |
Your Element Is Fire |
Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame.
You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out.
You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable.
You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go.
Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive.
Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|08:53 pm] |
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| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | It's a small world | ] |
Acceptable Excuse
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. Well, he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.
Nothing special happened today...same old junk...
If you are a believer in god what can you better understand?
There was never a beginning and god was always there or when you die you will be in heaven or hell for eternity. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|08:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Blinded By The Light | ] |
Today was a good day...first of all like all mondays we do nothing, so school wasnt that bad. Lance and I talked about all the different ways a lion can eat you in physics a.k.a lifetime sports and i must say i haven't laughed like that in a while. What would you do if you were standing in the middle of a safari type landscape and this lion saw you from like a quarter of a mile away. There is nowhere to go. So running would be a stupid option, but of course most people would still run and the lion would just pounce on your back and take out your ribcage from your backside. Instead either run full speed at it and right before it pounces on you jump up in the air and double kick it in the neck or you can wait patiently and this time before it gets to you take two fingers in each hand and put them in its eyes. I don't know why im talking about this but you never know when you might need this information.
After school i went to get some applications from some places...Winndixie(Brookhighland), Petsmart, and Petco. I want to work at either Petco or Petsmart.
Came home...right now Illinois and North Carolina are playing for the finals in college basketball. I don't really cares who wins so its kind of gay.
Im bored so if somebody would like ot talk to be i'll be asleep.Other things are bothering me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|07:52 pm] |
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| |  naughty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | I'm too sexy(Right for fred) | ] |
When you are married and all the other good stuff. Sex is a wonderful, pleasureful, and exciting thing to enjoy not that i would know or anyhting. Here is an example of the wrong direction for marriaged life.
I recently walked in on my husband while he was masturbating. I didn't actually see it, but he had a Playboy magazine open and quickly pulled up his trousers as I walked into the room. I casually apologised and asked him if I should leave so he could finish or if he'd like me to help him finish. He was a little embarrassed and mumbled something about wishing I wasn't having my period at the time. That was the end of our conversation. I know men masturbate, and I'm surprised that it took this long for me to stumble upon it. Did I react in the right way? And if he was so turned on by what he saw in the magazine, why didn't he take me up on my offer to help him finish?
Don't let marriage come to this. But if for some unknown reason this happens...women please just help the poor guy out and help him finish. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Canon in D-Pachebel (Its Piano music by the way) | ] |
Havent been on in a while...so the few friends that I had on here probably won't comment so I'm probably talking to myself the whole time. That's what these things are for..right..to talk to yourself. I wonder how many lives live journal has saved just by letting a few very depressed teenagers express their true emotions and take all their anger and frustration out into words, further not allowing them to commit suicide. I myself would never commit suicide. I have started a new hobby breeding birds...Quaker parrots. I bought 2 more to had to the other one that i have. These two birds are male, female and are ready for breeding in the spring, so when i get eggs im selling each bird somewhere around 150 to 200 bling blings. They lay about 6 to 9 eggs. Im pretty bored right now haha it just turned 11:11 p.m. make a wish. Anyway thats all for this session.
Why did the chicked cross the road? Turnip green soup with battery chairs and grey jobs. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Queen(Bicycle) | ] |
Today was the first day of tryouts... i guess it went ok...haven't swung the bat in about a year but yeah. Nothing really exciting happened today, just one of those days that the cow crows. Oh yeah something else that me and my friend of been wondering...why do you look at someones eyes or their face when you talk? Look at their forehead, that is where their brain is. Its weird how messed up life is. Yeah i came to school today for nothing... i did no work at all... i mean i didnt write one thing today, not one. So sad. Ohh yeah and my cousin who is about 2 started having seizures last friday...it was weird my aunt said he like fell on the ground and started shaking. I just couldn't see him doing that. Ok i guess thats it. Havent updated in like 10 days and thats all i had to say. So boring.
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"
The doc replies, "Nnnnope. Addddeal's a ddddeal!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2005|09:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mayor of Simpleton | ] |
Umm nothing much to say...that tutoring thing really works, so if anyone hasn't tried i recommend that you do.
When i was over at lances friday night lance had this plastic broom handle...he swung it and hit my leg and shattered it...yeah i bled and bled but in the end it left a scar with the number 15 on my knee... today is the 6th day since then. So i guess on the 15 day something dramatic will happen or i'll die, i don't really know yet. I really don't want to die though!
Does anyone know any good songs...that aren't country...i don't expect anyone will help me, but might as well try.
The first person to answer this can get a dollar the next time i see you...a whole dollar.
"A 'spoonerism' is a phrase with two syllables swapped- 'hazelnut' becomes 'nasal hut' for example."Relating to the nose little shack". nasal hut so your answer will be hazel nut. Ok here is the question, not too hard. But you still get a dollar. I'll give you two of them so you get two chances at the dollar.
1.Vibrate a building in Pisa
2.Policeman's obscene movie
Joke: One day johnny goes to the store and asks the clerk: "Hey mister, can i have some birdseed?" the clerk says "Johnny you dont have a bird, and if you can prove it, i'll give you the birdseed." So the next day Johnny comes in with a dead bird. So the clerk gave him the birdseed. Johnny comes back a week later and asks "Hey mister, can i have some catfood?" "Johnny, you dont have a cat, and if you can prove it, i'll give you the catfood." So johnny comes in the next day with a dead cat and recieves the catfood. The next week Johnny comes in with a bag and says "Hey mister, reach into this bag." The clerk does so than says "Johnny, this is shit!" johnny says "Yeah, 2 rolls of toiletpaper please." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2005|09:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 50 Cent(Disco Inferno) | ] |
I actually used that tutor thing today that they showed us at school and it actually helps....so yeah ill be using that a little bit more often...but i think the guy i had was either gay or bisexual. I just really had the urge to erase everything he had up there but something inside me told me that was the wrong thing to do.
I must have a good soul.
Anyway at school well there is nothing to explain just one of those days...no point at all in going.
Has anyone ever had that feeling when you know someone and you feel as if you could spend the rest of your life with them...I would really like to know.
Here is the freaking joke...
First grade class comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2005|08:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metallica(Unnamed Feeling) | ] |
Another day that felt like monday...yeah i havent really written much in the past few weeks, but that will change starting now. I promise to write in this everyday...haha. Anyway i drove a lot of the day today place to place, just a bunch of boring crap. School was just another day of crap...tommorow i have to say my speech and i havent even started but thats just how i am. My stepdad just told me he is going to take me to either georgia, kentucky, maine, or arizona were gambling is legal at 18 sometime in the next few months maybe spring break. Then i can finally show the world my poker skills. I know you can gamble at the age of 16 in maine....that is insane. ANother ferret died and they bought another one so yeah we are back up to 4 again good god its horrible. Last weekend we let them out to run around the house and the bastards got into the dishwasher like under the whole machine...so guess who had to get them out...me...and they're not even my animals. There are a few people who i would really like to get to know better, but things just dont seem to turn out the way i would like, i dont know what to do.
One day a teacher went into her classroom and saw the word "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.
The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read :
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Sorry about that i try not to make them to dirty hah...not really.
Oh yeah just a question what would you rather do... when you comment put the numbers in the order from how you would not like to die to how you would most prefer to die.
1) Drown
2) Have like a tiger chase you down in an open field...jump on you and eat you alive.
3) Burn
4) Shot in the neck
5) Beat to death
6) Choke
7) Sit on a bomb and explode
8) Someone digs your teeth and gums out with a box cutter and you bleed to death...sorry about that one.
9) Hung
0) Die in your sleep |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|08:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Flaw(Wait for me) | ] |
It's been a while since I've updated, but who cares anyway. Today was our first day back to school, it was ok for the most part, its just good to see the few friends i have. But now only two day left until the weekend...i can't wait...there is about 89 days left of school so we are almost there..i think that is right. I have no idea...i think i just guessed. Anyway i got home from new orleans the day before school....thank god. Try not to ever stay there for more than 4 days without knowing what your doing because it is awful...i dont know why it just is. Yeah boring as usual so if your read this im sorry yo had to go through it and waste part of your life.
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2004|11:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Run DMC(It's tricky)...haha | ] |
I really don't have much to say because i've been working all day with my stepdad, but i can tell you that my life is not going really good right now for multiple reasons...and i'm completely falling apart. Some people have no heart at all when they complain about others being the same way. Life is so messed up sometimes, i just want to quit it...i'm not going to kill myself...don't worry...noone cares though so...hmmmm.
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."
"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you." |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|11:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | energetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Vapors(Turning Japanese) | ] |
I'm at my moms in Huntsville..I will be here all week...so ill be doing some messed up stuff. Today i did really nothing except sleep in because i stayed up all night last night for no freaking reason at all. If anyone is reading this go see "Frailty" it is a movie in 2001 if you havent seen it. I got it at wal mart for $4.50 and it is one of my favorite movies...it wasnt the first time ive seen it though. Yesterday i got back from my grandparents and i got a rabbit with one of those old fashioned box traps...its black and i have it here at my moms house...i dont know why im telling you this but its just funny to me...my mom is going to make me let it go in a couple of days if i dont find someone to give it to.I didnt know rabbits make so much noise it was yelling and making these high pitched ass noises at 330 in the morning. I guess it was kind of bad that i took it away from its home but oh well my life isnt perfect either. It doesnt bite or anything so if anyone wants it ill sell it to you for the highest bidder.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking." |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|08:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dynamite Hack | ] |
Well Tommorow is Christmas... I'll make it short..... Have a wonderful Christmas and remember what it really is all about! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2004|09:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Breaking Benjamin(On My Own) | ] |
Well today was an awful day, I didnt accomplish anything and just sat around being bored. At least tomorow is Christmas Eve that will make things a whole lot better. I'm going to actually do something tomorow that's worth it and have fun. I still have to wrap Christmas presents, I always hate doing that even though I'm good at it. Ohhh yeah and I'm also looking for something to do at 2:00 and 3:00 a.m. sometimes I can't sleep and I can't find anything to do. Any ideas....wow that was off subject. I am always going to have a joke so yeah. This one is long but worth it.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2004|09:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Flaw | ] |
Well today was better than yesterday. One of our ferrets died today because of a tumor, it really didn't die we just put it to sleep because it couldn't move anymore. But I was the one who had to dig the two and half foot whole to bury her in. It rained all day today, it's funny how death and rain go together sometime. After that I went with Lance to help him finish his Christmas shopping. We went to wal-mart and stayed there for about two hours...we walked around the whole damn store until finally finding something. Then we went to Dairy Queen and back to his house. That was my day today, it was fun, but something is still missing.
Here is another wonderful joke...
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|10:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Certain Events | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metallica (For Whom the Bell Tolls) | ] |
Well I finally figured this thing out, the people that make live journal could have done this a lot easier. The only reason i started writing is because of Haleigh...she begged me to, but anyway...Today I pretty much sat around being bored. I went to wal-mart for the last bit of christmas shopping and then did pretty much whatever I wanted for the rest of the day. Certain people just don't understand me and take things I do or say and throw them in the opposite direction, but i guess that's life. Maybe Wednesday will be a much better day. I'm sure no one will read this Journal. So I guess I am just writing to myself. I hope everyone has a good night and whatever else.
Enjoy this joke....
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," said the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
" It'll teach those Indians not to fu** with the Lone Ranger." |
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